I am sick & tired of all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off!

How to make love

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana


Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

Three rights make a left...

And two Wrights make an Airplane.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try a third. -Nixonian theorem

Two Wongs don't make a white. -Elmer Fud

Two Wongs make Peking Duck. -White-man

Crappy bathroom tiles

A guy from the local mafia decided he needed a new house. After the construction of his new house was finished, he called one of his best friends to see his home.
When he asked his friend, what he thought, his friend said he was rather impressed. But he didn't like the tiles in the bathroom, they were rather ugly and he wondered how his friend could afford such an expensive house, but buy such crappy bathroom tiles.
The guy from the mafia disagreed. "They are not inexpensive at all. Come with me"
They went to the bathroom again. "Can you see what's written on them?"
And his friend noticed with surprise that all tiles were labelled "Intel Pentium Pro"

Why dont we greet eachother?

The other day when I got into the lift at my office I noticed a few Dutch people
among the passengers and I got thinking. I have been to The Netherlands before
and I am aware of how these people greet anyone who gets in or gets out of a lift.
A person, even a stranger, getting into the lift is greeted with a Dui(an equivalent
of Hi) and is greeted again with Dui when he leaves. And I was thinking what
these people must be thinking of us who get in and get out of the lift almost
scorning eachother.
There is no eye contact, no smile for godforbid what if the other person asks
for an earth shattering favor or the other person of the other sex may think
that I am making an advance.
The latter is true most of the time in the Indian context. In Indian, I can't think
of the fairer sex person to respond with a Hi! to a stranger male though this might
not be true vice versa, but which might not happen unless the male is hrithik
and the female is the so called 'liberated' woman.

Once, while travelling to some place in Europe, I had this Indian Dude sitting
beside me and I thought let me introduce myself and we can have a little chit-chat
on the way. Mind you this was not even a lady. And I was greeted with a
oh-not-another-jerk kinda look with no introduction in return! I thought what's
wrong with this guy. These are the people who put a bad name to indians. And
possibly putting off people who want to be polite to others.

Maybe the readers can throw some light on why Indians dont greet eachother like the
way westerners do.

Good day!

If a job's not worth doing, it's not worth doing right.

And I believe the converse is true, as well.
i.e. If a job is not worth doing right then it's
not worth doing.
Therefore, don't do a job that's not worth doing :)

Back to slavery

The right to offend is more important than the right to not get offended.

That, my dear friend, is freedom of speech/expression(FOSE) in a nutshell.But does the statement strike a jarring note on you?Does it, in your mind, conjure images like a neighbour blastinghis new multi-deck uber-PMPO system at ungodly times ?Well, that's an onslaught on one of our five senses andthat's not the FOSE I am talking of.

The FOSE I am talking of is the apparent onslaughton our subtle holier-than-thou senses like sensibilities.These days these senses are assuming ugly larger than life forms usually resulting in some form of vandalism against the perpetrator. And what seems to be the crime? Writing/Talking/Expressing one's mind - be it journalism, painting,cartoons, comedy, TV programs and what have you.

An artist paints a god naked and there is an outcry. Whydoes the artist not pick a god of his own religion to portray it naked. My question to the protestors is this:Have you been to Ajanta, Ellora or Khajuraho, for crying out loud? Personally, I think artists are wackos withwarped minds. But I am not a person who'll go and hit him on his head to paint a god naked. That is how he sees it and that's his problem. And that is what is art. If it impresses you then good for you or else too bad you are not gonna purchase it or heck, appreciate it and Move on.Is that so hard to do? Atleast the old indian civilizations recognized this freedom of expression of the artists.

This tendency of people react in outrage at little provocations strike me as utterly childish behavior.A behavior I am witnessing right now in my 4yr-old son.He comes home crying deliriously saying one of theneighborhood kid called him something like Pussu.Not that it has any meaning in kids language too.But he still gets ruffled. And we tell him just ignoreit. Simple! But that's something which doesn't comeeasliy to him. He probably cannot take it that heis not able to respond appropriately to the name-calling.Therefore, the hue and cry.How difficult is it to ignore stuff that's hurting yoursensibilities or show your protest in a peaceful way?After all the offending act was not thrust upon you bybreaking a wind-shield or burning an effigy or by issuinga fatwa.

These so called moral police are having a field day almostevery other day, these days. There are infinite issues thatthese people are getting pissed about. None of these issuesare what we could call basic nessecity issues like water,electricity, environment or roads. Almost all these issuesthat bring them onto the roads in a show of violent protestare what we could say feelgood issues. Maslow, a behaviouralscientist, had categorized our needs into a hierarchy.At the bottom were basic needs like shelter, food, water,etc.He says once these needs of a man are satisfied he goesfor the next higher level of satisfaction and that isthe "need to be secure & safe".Then would come "The needto be loved and be loved" and so on till at the top thereis the "need for self actualization". It's in this area that these zealots are acting. These are the people who looklike they are violating Maslow's hierarchy in a major wayby jumping from the bottom most rung to the top most rung directly. Or is it? Are they acting on behalf of thosepeople who are by logic in the top most rung of maslow'shierarchy? Mostly so. Apparently, There is some political mileage to be had from these displays of puritanism.Somebody needs to remind them that we fought for ourfreedom from Britishers for, among other things, the freedomto speak and express ourselves in any way we want.

Looks like we are now back to being slaves of theseself-serving politicians who'll not hesitate to hold thesociety on ransom for any cause that may serve them.

I am not a vandal sorts

But I seriously want to turn into one and torch those
buses/trucks that break-down on our already stressed
Bangalore roads during peak-hours.
I might be one of those unfortunate person who's car
may break-down at peak hours too. But, alone, I can
push my car to a non-intrusive spot. How many of those
bus/truck walas will be able to do that.

Anyways, that's not the point. The point is that these
are the people who are driving vehicles in a state of
disrepair on our roads recklessly. And they totally deserve
the trouble of their vehicle breaking-down midway
to their destination but not during peak hours on our
main roads :)

A disaster called Indian Cricket

I have held this belief before and I say this again.
This Indian Cricket Team(ICT) needs to lose all
tournaments. It's good for the Indian Cricket and India
Fans. At the very least the fanatic indian cricket fan
deserves what their team dishes out to them - consistent
failures when it matters the most. One win here and one
win there, these now-firespewing fans will again be calling up
cricket analyists on news channels about how they appreciate
certain player or what their strategy should be and
what not. If they fail to see the hollowness of the India
Criketing System then they completely deserve this.

There are people who blame our coach, Greg Chappell for
this World Cup rout. I say, if he deserves any blame it
is that he didn't choose to expose the hollow selection
process and senior's attitudes(which he is most likely
to do when asked about the rout) before. Nothing more,
I wouldn't put anymore blame on him than this much.

While having started on the blame game lets get into
it more seriously. Foremost among the people to blame
must be our selectors. When you see a badly behaved
child do we blame the child or the parents who had/have
the chance to rectify the child's behavior? Our selectors
have time and again shown their lack of will to wield
the proverbial stick against non-performing players.
The fans have to contend with statements like "Look
at the records of the player. He has runs behind him."
Well, dear selectors, have these records won us any
major tournament after 1985?

What else do we have? Players growing so much above
the game that they cannot be touched even by the selectors.
I hope the disgruntled fans get a chance to touch these
players :)

What else? The abominable endorsements! These days, all that
an indian cricket player want is to remain in the team.
This, as abundantly seen, fetches them lucrative
endorsement contracts. So what does a player do
to remain in the team? First and foremost, be in the
good books of the Captain. A dear captain will
fight for your case even with the Chairman of the
selection committee. The other popular way is to
muster the courage to hit atleast a half-century just
before you are being touted to get the Boot.

The other, largely ignored, woe of the Indian Circket
are the analysts. Yes, these are the people who are
analysing our cricket in the Print and TV media. You
won't see a more fickle person anywhere else. These
are the people who will attempt to lift a player's
stature for as little as a half-century. Strangely
though, rarely will you see them trashing a player's
reputation. But when you see them doing it it is
usually at times when it is least expected. Basically,
these are the people who are forming the opinions in
the minds of the fans. Apparently, they have this
unenviable task of not letting the game fall to the level
of Hockey that people stop following it. After all,
their comments are paying their bills. And the media
itself sells on the hype of the game and the endorsements
it brings to them. Therefore, it is in their interest
to unleash unproportional outrage when it senses little
public outrage and unproportional Kudos when there
is little public pride on our team's performance.

It's this symbiotic existence of the selectors, players,
advertisors, media and the analysts on each other that
is handing out India this Cricket Team which year after
year is failing us miserably. It's high time the fans
saw through this farce and moved on! These players don't
deserve our time. If you want to come on the roads and
protest spend your time on issues like water, electricity,
roads and environment. Please don't waste your time on
Cricket. Unless there are sweeping changes in how cricket
is played and promoted in India I will hold the opinion
that I made at the start, that India needs to lose in
all matches. The players need to be brought to the ground.
The BCCI needs to know that it'll not keep growing
irrespective of the quality of the Indian Cricket Team.

Give a man a fish..[the improvisations]

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Hit him with a fish, and he goes away for good!

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and run the risk of overfishing, contravening EU fishing policy, reducing the biodiversity of the world's oceans and increasing the economic decline of our once-great fishing industry.

Give a man a fish, and he'll probably look at you very odddly, and say something like. "I'm sorry, but you'll still have to pay the speeding fine...."

Give a woman a fish and you'll be sleeping on the couch again.

Give a man a fish, and he'll wonder what you want from him.

Hrithik's best compliment

Was watching Koffee with Karan yesterday and there was a question to
hrithik about what's the best compliment he had ever got. And he says
that a bunch of girls had messaged him saying that "long before Dhoom 2
climaxed they had...". He says that with a straight face.

I am not surprised. The man has got it!

Valentine's Day....

Yeah, yeah, we  all know the crap that this day is. No, this is not Shiv Sena type crap I am talking of. No moral posturing here. Only financial posturing, if you may say so. Me and my wife(moslty because of my influence) would like to believe that this day was deviced by cards, flowers, jewelry, chocolate, lingerie makers and restaurants to make a killing. Don't know how many acknowledge this fact. But the figures aren't very forthcoming on the enlightenment front. Every year the bash keeps growing bigger. Maybe, If Shiv Sena had angled their protest in this way, there'd be some visible decrease we'd have seen.

Anyways, I have come to one conclusion after something that happened on 17th Feb(a good 3 days after the V-day): Don't get fooled by the "Don't buy me anything" blabber. I guess anyone who's married for long will vouch for it. It's a language with many dialects.
In some dialects it means: "Don't spend TOO much on me."
In some it means: "Surprise me with what you buy me."
In some it means: "Don't buy me anything that's lasting like jewelry. But get me some token of your love like dinner or flowers." yeah right :)
In my wife's dialect it means: "It would've been nice to have got atleast a little chocolate SYMBOLICALLY."

In no language on earth does "Don't buy me anything" translate to "Don't buy me anything" :)